Heart of Memories

How do we measure success? Do we have a road map in our mind from childhood that states ( depending on gender) I want to be a train conductor, teacher, rock star or movie star? Are we influenced more by our peers, home environment, parental role models or extended spheres of influence? Are we impacted more strongly by relationships discovered in early adolescence?

Psychologist tell us that our most influential years of development are from birth to 5 years of age. Our eating patterns are set, our self mental image is formed and our personalities are fairly developed as to whether we are extroverted or introverted. If that doesn't begin to bring on a parental guilt trip then I don't know what will.

I think every relationship we experience has some effect on us, whether it be positive, negative, subtle or smashes you in the face. We certainly process the information, consider it and file it away. I also believe that there is a force at play, much bigger than all of us, that allows these encounters and our "free will" reigns, allowing us to choose what to do with the information. I call that force My Heavenly Father, God in the Trinity, my Savior and my Friend. You can call Him your Spiritual Guide of the Universe, if you so desire. No matter what you choose to refer to Him as , I believe He exists and at times that I certainly didn't feel worthy, He held me together and close to his bosom. There are too many times on my path, that I know I would not be here had it not been for His intervention.

I also believe that He sends people into our lives, if only for a short while, that leave an undeniable mark, a fingerprint on our souls that cannot be denied or lost even through death. I believe we make the choice regarding what we choose to take from the experience or relationship, no matter how long it lasts. If it has been a cherished one, even though it didn't last as long as we would have wanted,(because when it's good we always want forever),we have a choice. We can be bitter or we can cherish the memories, the lessons learned and keep them in our memory of hearts. I see them, now that I am older, as gifts and they are deeply cherished and filed away and yet easily called upon when needed. They provide warmth when I am lonely and they remind me of how one moment in time, one relationship, can provide encouragement, hope and guide one into believing in themselves and their dreams.

I have had many relationships along my journey, many I have laughed with, cried with and many I have said good-bye to. Of all the words in the English language my least favorite is "good-bye"...it feels permanent, hopeless and deeply sad, unless you remember the gift..your memory of hearts. Now I add one more, it hurts because another chapter has closed, but I still have the memories and the words spoken and love, lots of love.

I thank my Heavenly Father for the gift of my teen age years. They were full of all of the usual things, drama, heartache and love.I had a gift that lasted only 4 years and 8 months, but it was the best. It gave me an extended family that one could only dream of. They intimidated me terribly at 16 years of age, but I grew to love them as my own. My kids referred to it as "The Lee Story", first love and young love is a powerful thing. Through out the years even though Lee and I didn't work out as planned,his mother and I remained in touch.

She was brilliant, the head of the English Department of a local High School. She was well read, accomplished, a gourmet cook, wonderful entertainer and hostess, fiercely independent and a world traveler. She introduced me to Ray Bradbury, literally, at the age of 17 at a wonderful small dinner attended by educators of the community. She introduced me to Harry Potter 9 years ago.

The day I got married, she came to me, held my hand and gave me a beautiful crystal dish. The day my first child was born, she came to me and gave me a handmade quilt of light green and yellow. She taught me by her example of social grace and engaging personality and sense of adventure. She taught me through her passion for life and ability to stand back ,observe and act. She was my cheerleader, when I returned to the University and she displayed her faith in me when she handed me her broken grandson, Lee's son, to help when she was too old to do it herself. She lived to witness her husband's death 20 years ago and the death of Lee eight years ago, it broke her heart. She began to lose her sight and the joy of reading alluded her, but she purchased tapes and listened. Slowly dementia took her memory, sadly to the point that she could no longer recognize me, but she liked the "young" woman who came to visit her..lol

She has now rejoined her family and I wish her God speed on this new joyous adventure. I love you with all of my heart Florence and you will remain in my heart of memories forever.