Update By the Road

Well, it has been a little while since I have stopped by my road. Actually, I have been having strong urges to go visit it...live in living color..beautiful Autumn colors. That would be so wonderful.

What have I been doing that has kept me away? Well, I have been a gym hog, determined to get into some kind of decent shape for a woman in her EARLY 50's! I have high blood pressure and a family history of heart disease..my mom and grandmother...doesn't look good...soooo.

I have my annual visit to my doctor, we monitor my heart as a precautionary measure, treadmill, thallium treadmill, carotid ultrasound, EKG, blood work up...the works! After the last check up, I hit my own home gym therapy course. The Total gym, gazelle, free weights and walking the result...toning, and a few "tease" pounds off, was all that I could accomplish. So after careful consideration and a strong desire to visit my favorite plastic surgeon, I decided on a personal trainer and Nutri System. Progress to date, 9 weeks gym, 3 weeks Nutri System = 10 lbs down and hmmmm some more to go! However, I am on my way.

The point is this, somethings you just gotta do for yourself, I went back to college earned my degree, now it's time to start the emotional and physical makeover and this is the beginning. Putting me up at the head of the line for a change, this part helps ensure I can stay around a little longer than my mom did..because I still miss her terribly..everyday. I don't want to do that to my kids.

You try to make the best memories you can, you try to do the best you can in guidance, and especially in the acceptance and love department. I adore all of them..my babies, my grandbabies ( wow..gotta love those grandbabies...awesome..what a huge huge gift) and then hope it was enough, just hope it was enough. I read somewhere that a mother's worst fear was that her children would hate her, no the worst fear is that they are hurt emotionally, physically and you couldn't do anything to prevent it. Mine can have all the negative feelings they can muster as long as they are honest in their hearts, are safe and happy.

So road, that is what I have been doing lately...oh yeah one more thing, I am still looking for a new camera..but have narrowed down my search, because what is family and memories without a beautiful picture to capture the moment!

Just Thinking

I had a great conversation with my brother last night. It usually leaves me feeling nostalgic and a bit depressed because his life experience has kept him a prisoner in his mind. At his age he is holding onto happy memories and trying to deal with the bad ones. That sounds pretty average for all of us, especially as we approach our 50's and 60's. We wonder where all the time went and hope that we spent it wisely.

I have a dear friend who has lived his life enjoying it to the fullest and I must say somewhat selfishly. But again, why not? He has chosen the life of the bachelor and his motto has always been life is too short not to embrace it and enjoy the heck out of it. However, now that the knees don't respond as well as they use to and the stomach isn't located where it use to be, well he has joined the rest of us who are reevaluating choices that we have made. Did I spend my time wisely?

My brother has spent the last 27 years reliving his days in Viet Nam, regretting at times, that he didn't insist on certain actions, that he didn't die with his friends and that he can't go back and change it all. At some point one has to grasp very hard at the thread that was given to you that ties you to this place and time. I want to tell him to stop, thank God for His mercy, pray for your fallen comrades and NOW..Today..make a choice to embrace this life you have been given and live it for them...let them go...allow the memory of their laughter, smiles and grins to carry you..the gray haired man, with lines on your face and pain in your heart...carry you to a peaceful place where you can rest, relax and live your life fully without regret. It just isn't that easy for him, so he reflects on his childhood with my grandparents, when life was simple in the early 50's.

I spent those 27 years, that he was absent from my life, praying for him and hoping our conversations that came annually and lasted only a matter of a few minutes, would last longer. I wanted to hear his voice and see him again..he was my big brother. It took 26 years, but my prayers were finally answered and every time I hang up the phone I remember how much I wished and prayed for this miracle.

It carries me back to my early teachings, live a life that is pleasing to God. Through all the low points and high ones He has been with me. I'm not preachy and at times my life has not been a shining example of His teachings, but...He has been my constant companion and I know who I belong to. If I ever feel sorry for myself and think I have missed out on that one special relationship that gives one's life meaning ...well ask the fella in the trench, the mother cradling her newborn babe in her arms and the family that holds vigil around a loved ones hospital bed who they call out to. He is present, He Holds us All.