Life Persuits

Of all of the things I have ever wanted to do with my life, the primary choice was to be a mother. Many kids dream of being a teacher, dancer, actress, or President. However, I always wanted to be two things, a mother and a teacher. If I allowed myself to really dream I will admit to wanting to be a successful singer. I have been a mother, a substitute teacher and a Sunday School teacher and I have had the opportunity to sing professionally in the small pond of my hometown. I have sampled my dream, tested the waters and discovered if you are passionate about something you can nudge your way into making it a reality. However, there is a big difference in doing something and doing something well. How do we measure success?

Well, I have three children and three grandchildren. I have been deeply fortunate to have been able to spend quality time with all of them, with the exception of my youngest granddaughter, Maggie. Maggie is a work in progress and I intend to have my relationship with her as well. She is 3 years and 8 months and deeply rooted in her immediate family of mom, dad and siblings, which is a good thing. I pray for enough energy to develop a meaningful relationship with this little dynamo.

I have been an active parent and grandparent and I have loved every minute of it. The good times and even the bad, because when you put it all in a bowl and toss it a bit the entire experience has been truly worth it. It has blessed me in so many ways and taught me a great deal about myself. There is nothing like measuring yourself through the eyes of your children. They see you like no one else can, they also judge you as no one else can. I was talking to my oldest the other day and she said something to me that grasped my heart. The truth is , it needed grasping and so this was nice. She said something to the affect of, "when we compare mothers , neither one of us came up short."

The truth is, all you can do is your best with the energy you have at the time. Yeah, I know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and I have been reminded that I have made the trip a few times, but...I have to say that the times I feel the best about are the ones that have nailed my ass to the wall. To that I say take a walk in my shoes and feel the pinch sweetheart. There is a reason that hindsight is 20/20, we have all made mistakes, learned from them and pulled ourselves up and mustered on..it's called life.

Motherhood has not been an easy road, one should have a PhD., before attempting it. It is not for the faint of heart, the weak, or the unimaginative types. It requires patience, a sense of humor and deep commitment to stay the course ( sometimes until they are in their mid 20's). It will try your patience, break your heart and warm you all over. There are days I wish I had never attempted it and simply passionately pursued my other two options. Oh ya gotta have a backup plan!

It definitely requires two parents rowing the boat, ( in the same direction) to get the job done. That has been my problem. I have not been a success in the relationship department and that surprises me, because I always thought I would be good at it. I suck! Simple as that. Well that's the next goal to work on and it is long overdue...selfish time.

Thinking

It has been a while since I have stopped by to take a load off and check out the view. I run by it, bike by it, and even mountain climb by it, but never long enough to visit. Yes, the gym has been holding me captive for the past month. That is good for me, that means I have been consistent and completely committed to my new project, "me".

This has not been an easy choice or an easy commitment. After every resistance workout ( every other day) I want to soak in the spa, however that isn't real appealing when it is 105 degrees outside in sunny California. It has been one month, one full month and I, well we, have averaged 5 days a week at the gym. Pretty proud of that one and it has been good for my son as well. We did take a short break for my birthday, but the resort we were staying at had a fitness center and we were able to work out there, so all was not lost.

Yes, I just celebrated my 54th birthday, wow it really goes by fast. I lost my mom when she was 57 and it makes me a bit nervous seeing that age quickly approaching. I never miss an opportunity to point out to my kids that life is fragile and can be over before you know it. They see it as a guilt trip and I see it as a horrible tragedy a nightmare that I endured. Guess that's why I am at the gym, hoping to do better than my mother and hang around a bit longer.

I have made choices in my life that I would like to have time to fix. I would love to have time to have a real life with a real companion. Someone who would enjoy sharing my time , thoughts and simply enjoy sharing a sunset with. That would be nice. I wish I had the guts to be selfish and not look back. Someday...