The Fix it Lady

Have you ever seen a problem and felt an overwhelming need to "fix it"? If the answer is yes then we have something in common.

This can be a blessing or a curse depending on who it involves. The other problem is that I don't have the answers most of the time. Therefore, I exhaust myself in research that takes me in many different directions. The local book store, a local expert, an involved third party or someone who has had a similar experience. I glean information from all of the sources and then evaluate, access and implement what I have learned, in other words I move into "Action" mode.

This has been my pattern since I was a youngster, with my childhood friends, classroom situations as a student, personal relationships, and later in life as a wife and mother and even grandmother ( now, that one can get you into some sticky situations). I feel emotional pain when I see that something is not "right", someone is being emotionally hurt, ( heaven help them if it is physical), and when injustice is not corrected.

No, I do not think we should live in a perfect world, however, I do think we should all attempt to do what we can in our own "little corner" of it, to make a difference. I believe this is especially true when it comes to children.

I was blessed with three children and all three are uniquely different and all three have a common thread. My oldest, a delightfully precocious child, is now 31 years of age. She was my
"normal" one, whatever that means. She was a social butterfly in grade school, all the children gravitated towards her and many wanted to be her. She was bright, imaginative, artistic, insightful and very pretty and inside herself she was uncomfortably shy and insecure and hid it well. Teachers were always drawn to her and she was usually the "pet" student. My second, strong of spirit and quite physical, is now 27 years old. She loved to ride her bike, play basketball with neighborhood kids and usually challenged the boys at basketball during recess. On the social circle , she never had a close friend during her school years and she desperately wanted one. She was academically challenged due to several learning disabilities, these were not severe, but they slowed her down.

I jumped in and jumped through every hoop to "fix it", in order to give her a fighting chance. She was tested by the school system and by the time she was in First grade she was receiving all of the extra help, the RSP programs had to offer. Due to the fact I did not have a great understanding of her disabilities, I threw myself into volunteer work in the program. This enabled me to continue the work at home in order to avoid confusion in instruction. Along this journey, I met many other children that simply broke my heart and I worked with them as well. Through these efforts, new volunteer programs were implemented that have provided intervention programs that are still being used today in classroom settings.

My third child is handsome, serious, very literal in his interpretation of his world, and has wonderfully specific interests. He is nearly 16 years old and has Asperger Syndrome. Miss "fix it", wasn't so good at this one. Through trial and error, never giving up the fight, not understanding what I was dealing with, wanting to scream...and not being "that young" any more, my energy was waning . It took 11 blooming years to actually identify what we were dealing with. I felt guilty, helpless, uninformed and desperate to make this right for my son. It is the most painful thing for a parent to watch their child attempt to navigate through their world without the tools to be successful. Socialization is a huge part of our existence. It begins at birth and carries us through preschool, grade school, middle school, high school,college and into our roles as productive adults in our communities. If these skills are not developed we are branded as , indifferent, unfriendly, rude, and one I found particularly interesting..Stepford like. Well, kids with AS, truthfully do appear this way unless they work on these skills. Their perception of the world is a bit different than the "normal" interpretation. It's not their fault, they have to reteach their brain to receive the information, much like learning a foreign language. Actually, for a person with AS they feel like a foreigner in their own environment.

When we meet someone who does not speak our native language we don't shun them, but it does take an effort to communicate. If you care, you learn the language and they learn yours. I have learned that difficulties with language, communication and the ability to properly interpret their meaning stunts the social development of these kids. They don't get the double meanings, the sarcasm and "jokes" that easily, which leaves them appearing " dull", "non engaging" and unable to connect with their peers. The sad part is they want to so badly. They tend to socialize "normally" with those people who have been apart of their environment . They pick up their interpretations and react or attempt to react accordingly. When new stimuli are introduced the first response is to withdraw, regroup and reevaluate and then reason out a response. As a parent this can be excruciating and we can't always "fix it". These situation differ depending on the degree of autism one is dealing with. My son is high functioning and usually appears as a "stuck up asshole" , so I guess for his age that's better than what it could be.

I don't have the answers, God, I wish I did. Parenting is a challenge and sometimes it comes with more challenges than we can handle, mine are minor compared to others. We just have to be willing to step up to the plant and try. As I look at my 3 kids, I see where I have failed and where I should have done things differently. My oldest , the perfect one, has anxiety stress disorder ( probably from mommy trying to "fix" everything), the second had a meltdown at grad school and returned home ( probably from mommy "fixing" ) and the third well...

He begged me to allow him to work on this for one year and try to improve by reading and working on a better understanding of AS. He didn't want to be labeled anymore than he has been. I see him as brave...he has a 3.8 GPA and a few friends. He has lost touch with his best friend and that happens, we are all growing, adolescence is a tough world and sometimes it takes no prisoners. He has found a peaceful place in Choir ( geeky some may say, sissy, some may say) but music knows no language barriers and he hears it and has no problem interpreting its meaning.

Oh, yeah...the music director was my Choral Director in high school, Miss fix it rides again.