Just Thinking

I had a great conversation with my brother last night. It usually leaves me feeling nostalgic and a bit depressed because his life experience has kept him a prisoner in his mind. At his age he is holding onto happy memories and trying to deal with the bad ones. That sounds pretty average for all of us, especially as we approach our 50's and 60's. We wonder where all the time went and hope that we spent it wisely.

I have a dear friend who has lived his life enjoying it to the fullest and I must say somewhat selfishly. But again, why not? He has chosen the life of the bachelor and his motto has always been life is too short not to embrace it and enjoy the heck out of it. However, now that the knees don't respond as well as they use to and the stomach isn't located where it use to be, well he has joined the rest of us who are reevaluating choices that we have made. Did I spend my time wisely?

My brother has spent the last 27 years reliving his days in Viet Nam, regretting at times, that he didn't insist on certain actions, that he didn't die with his friends and that he can't go back and change it all. At some point one has to grasp very hard at the thread that was given to you that ties you to this place and time. I want to tell him to stop, thank God for His mercy, pray for your fallen comrades and NOW..Today..make a choice to embrace this life you have been given and live it for them...let them go...allow the memory of their laughter, smiles and grins to carry you..the gray haired man, with lines on your face and pain in your heart...carry you to a peaceful place where you can rest, relax and live your life fully without regret. It just isn't that easy for him, so he reflects on his childhood with my grandparents, when life was simple in the early 50's.

I spent those 27 years, that he was absent from my life, praying for him and hoping our conversations that came annually and lasted only a matter of a few minutes, would last longer. I wanted to hear his voice and see him again..he was my big brother. It took 26 years, but my prayers were finally answered and every time I hang up the phone I remember how much I wished and prayed for this miracle.

It carries me back to my early teachings, live a life that is pleasing to God. Through all the low points and high ones He has been with me. I'm not preachy and at times my life has not been a shining example of His teachings, but...He has been my constant companion and I know who I belong to. If I ever feel sorry for myself and think I have missed out on that one special relationship that gives one's life meaning ...well ask the fella in the trench, the mother cradling her newborn babe in her arms and the family that holds vigil around a loved ones hospital bed who they call out to. He is present, He Holds us All.